


i don't want to be alone anymore

by frenchys



Series: together again [2]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Fluff, M/M, Past Relationship(s), ish again, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 20:16:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18350948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frenchys/pseuds/frenchys
Summary: @vanessavanjie: Put my snake around ya neck@bhytes: @vanessavanjie haven't we already done that?





	i don't want to be alone anymore

_@Bhytes1: @VanessaVanjie I’m going to Starbucks you want something?_

*****

Brooke wasn’t sure how they did it, how they proceeded to shamelessly flirt online as if their private kiss hadn’t even happened only a few nights ago. If it wasn’t for the video evidence, she could have sworn that entire night was a fever dream. Part of her almost wished that she didn’t remember it so vividly, that the way Vanessa touched her and kissed her with no audience wasn’t so detailed in her head. Wished she didn’t have to stop herself from smiling when she remembered it.

It was one thing remembering and thinking about the kiss – she couldn’t change that that happened, and that she didn’t stop it. If anything, she wanted it. She knew it was partly on her for leaning into it, and for getting upset that it hadn’t lasted even longer. She couldn’t blame Vanessa for that. But she could blame Vanessa for what she said.

_“At some point we have to quit pretending like this is only for the fans.”_

If Brooke thought she was over analyzing these social media interactions before, she was even more fucked now. She only assumed this is how the fans felt on the daily, trying to decipher everything, trying to figure out if this was all Vanessa playing into the contract or using it to hint at how she really felt. How she still felt.

It was futile to put any music on as she took her time getting into drag for the viewing party tonight, where she’d be joining Phi Phi O’Hara in a screening of episode 5 – the Monster Ball. No attempts at turning up said music could stop her mind from being only focused on Vanessa, on the moment they shared, on the fact that she had to spend another night reliving the honeymoon phase of their relationship on a giant screen in front of an audience.

Just as Brooke anticipated, it was rough. No. Rough was an understatement. She was conscious of how often she gazed dreamily into the screen, star-eyed. Watching them kiss, and comfort each other, and not be able to predict their fate.

She didn’t expect anyone else to notice, too.

“Can I ask you something? Without you getting defensive?” Phi Phi asked after the episode and Brooke’s consequent performance, standing against the closed dressing room door. She kept her distance, her prodding question accompanied by a sensitive color in her voice. Brooke knew she was trying her best to sound open minded, borderline empathetic.

Brooke sighed. “Shoot,” she encouraged the other queen, but didn’t look up. Phi Phi’s second question was enough to warn her that this wouldn’t be a lighthearted conversation.

“If it wasn’t for the fans. Or the publicity, or the ratings, or the – you get the point,” Phi Phi cut herself off, presuming that Brooke heard enough synonyms. “Would you care?”

Brooke stopped fiddling with her bobby pin, blinking up at Phi Phi through the mirror. “What do you mean?”

“Would you be able to stop all this weird, mysterious twitter stuff tomorrow and not give it a second thought?” Phi Phi wasn’t sure if Brooke was just deflecting, or if she was really that far removed from reality and genuinely needed the simplifying. “Not miss him in your life?” At the use of ‘him’, Brooke knew this was deeper than just not having Vanjie as a fellow queen and friend. “I know it’s none of my business, but if you could see what I saw – the way you watched that episode out there tonight – you’d be asking the same thing.” Phi Phi shrugged, and Brooke hated her for it. She hated how easily Phi Phi could get into her head and understand. Worst of all, she hated how Phi Phi saw it her duty to confront Brooke about it. Maybe she’d thank her in the future, but for now she was brimming with frustration.

“I don’t know. I don’t know, okay?” Another sigh, this one inspired by her own irritation and defeat. “One second we’re flirting and both understanding that we need to stop it before it goes too far. The next we’re –” Brooke stopped, closing her eyes as to stop herself from admitting to Phi Phi what went down the other night. Was it even a big deal? As big as she was clearly making it in her own mind?

“You’re…?” Phi Phi lifted an eyebrow, coaxing Brooke’s frustrated rant. Feelings could be spared for the truth.

Brooke took a deep breath, steadying herself, hands planted onto the table. “We kissed. Like, actually kissed. And I don’t know what her intentions are.”

“Well, I recommend figuring that out. Maybe talk to her? You guys are clearly not on awful terms, how hard could that be?” Phi Phi pressed.

You have no idea, Brooke thought. “Yeah, I’ll try. Thanks, girl,” Brooke smiled at Phi Phi, hoping her appreciation was evident.

*****

She was thrilled to finally share the photos taken of her Monster Ball looks, looks that proved successful in the challenge. She was especially thrilled at the comments regarding her final look, the one that she had fabricated herself. A storm of tulle and black fabric, off the shoulder, with a snake wrapped tastefully around her neck. The more she looked at it, the more critical, but she would defend her win.

She scrolled through the comments, smiling at the sufficient compliments and praise. How would she ever stop being appreciative of everyone who appreciated her back?

Her finger stopped scrolling upon seeing Vanessa’s Instagram handle, a blue check verifying it wasn’t a fan account.

_@vanessavanjie: Put my snake around ya neck_

She didn’t know whether to like it, comment some orange heart emojis and move on or to roll her eyes after what had happened the other night.

She chose a third option.

If Vanjie wants to keep playing this, then fine. I’ll play along, she thought before hitting send on the comment.

_@bhytes: @vanessavanjie haven’t we already done that?_

Brooke barely had time to think about the repercussions of her remark before she received a text, shocked at the speed at which Vanessa saw the comment.

_Vanjie: Careful there Brooky Poo_

_Vanjie: Don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea_

Brooke felt her heart rate speed up with no gradual increase, immediately beating fast enough to shatter through her rib-cage and land across the room only upon reading Vanessa’s messages. She took a deep breath and typed, then retyped her message a few times, wondering if Vanessa was watching the dots disappear and reappear. Wondering if it was killing her just as much as it was Brooke. When did they turn into giddy teenagers again, instead of professionals with a common goal?

_Brooke: What if i do?_

She decided against adding a winking face to the end of her reply, but it didn’t stop her from immediately locking her phone and throwing it to her side. God, she needed a cigarette. And maybe a cold shower now. She’d revisit that idea depending on what her phone read next.

As if on cue, she heard the buzz of the phone ring through the bed. She took a minute to gather herself – or prepare herself was maybe the better way to put it. With a reluctance she could only blame on her fear of misunderstanding, Brooke let her hand approach her phone again. It was silly, she thought, how she could fear misunderstanding Vanessa’s intentions even after her initiation of the kiss making it fairly clear how she felt about them.

_Vanjie: Oh_

Two minutes ago. Brooke tried to ignore the way her heart dropped at the one-word answer; one she couldn’t even see herself replying to in a way that made sense. Maybe it was best left there, and Vanessa really was just adding a playful comment that held no substance.

She was moments away from plugging her phone in for the night and setting it aside with an air of defeat, when it buzzed in her hand. A message from Vanessa. She held her breath as she slid to open it.

_Vanjie: You home?_

She never exhaled quicker, and never replied quicker, either.

_Brooke: Text me when you’re here._

Brooke couldn’t have anticipated what came over her to make her invite Vanessa to come over, if not beg her to come, following her last text with a sharing of her location and hotel room number. All she could do was thank the universe that they were in the same city, which was rare considering their consistent interviews, appearances and performances.

She didn’t think she had been this nervous about something since they first began seeing each other, minus possibly the night that the cast was revealed. And deep within she knew that perhaps her nerves were fruitless – what guaranteed that she and Vanessa would even do anything beyond talk? She wouldn’t dare get her hopes up based on an Instagram comment that was no different than their usual flirt-mance. But she also knew that she had to take this opportunity to confront this, whatever it was.

It wasn’t long before she heard a faint, yet urgent, knock on the door, though it felt like forever. Rolling her eyes, Brooke made her way to the door to the room, opening it with a look of counterfeit annoyance. “I told you to text me when you got here, bitch.”

“Shut up,” Vanessa was quiet, fondness diminishing the harshness of her words. “Can I come in or not?”

Brooke stepped aside, allowing Vanessa to pass her and enter the dimly lit hotel room. Brooke watched her for a moment, so caught up in the way she smelled and the way her hat sat backwards on her head in the most endearing way possible that she almost forgot to close the door.

“Don’t forget to put the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign out,” Vanessa called behind her, laughing to herself before taking a seat on the edge of the bed, looking up at Brooke, who followed her into the larger area. Vanessa’s laugh didn’t linger after seeing Brooke’s humorless expression. “I was kidding.”

“You have no idea how hard it was, Vanjie, to watch that episode up there. Phi Phi actually clocked me, y’know. The way I looked at you up there. No doubt some of the fans did, too. It was the hardest thing. You don’t even know.”

“You think I wasn’t watching the same episode? I never said it was easy for me, Brooke,” Vanessa didn’t let her continue, nor did she let the incredulous laugh leave her lips, in fear of making Brooke more upset. “I don’t like watching it either.”

“I think I’m confused,” Brooke didn’t mean to change the topic so abruptly, but this had been bugging her for days. “This was your idea. It was your idea to take a break – said you knew the ‘pressures that came with TV’,” Brooke’s immediate dive into the deep end caught Vanessa off guard. If she knew that her visit would turn into her own interrogation, she would have stayed home. “You were the one who said this wouldn’t work, Jose,” Brooke stood her ground, arms folded across her chest. Vanessa didn’t like the way she looked down upon her. Cringed at the way her real name was used. “Why the change of heart?”

“It’s not a change of heart,” Vanessa countered, eyes lit with a newfound boldness. “It’s the… same heart, just. Tired of hiding it. Which, we can keep doing it, we don’t gotta tell anyone anything. But, B,” she stood then, moving to take hold of Brooke’s hands, forcing her to uncross her arms. “I’m not a fan of us lying to ourselves, to each other.”

“Yeah? And when you tweet another flirty reply or comment something on my next live, then what? I’m not a fan of not being able to tell the real from the fake.”

“Tell me this is fake,” Vanessa was calm when she said it, her words and the way she slid her hand to the back of Brooke’s neck serving as the only preparation for the way she brought their lips together. Brooke couldn’t act surprised, like she didn’t anticipate this after their texts and intuition that what happened in that office wasn’t a one-off thing. Her expectation helped her react faster this time, without letting Vanessa end the moment before Brooke had a chance to take action. It was a much necessary continuation of what they didn’t get to finish prior to Vanessa’s performance.

Her frustration, her passion, her longing all charged Brooke into flipping their positions, hands on Vanessa’s shoulders as she held the shorter man against the wall she had been leaning against, prompting a whimper to pass between them from Vanjie’s lips. This was no sweet reunion kiss, but one that had been months in the making.

Brooke could feel Vanessa’s smile after they parted, nothing but heat in the space between them (or lack thereof), their lips still phantoms on each other. “I’m waiting,” she whispered against Brooke’s lips, all victorious smiles. “Tell me.”

“Didn’t you already try this the other day?” Brooke didn’t return her smile, but Vanessa could hear it in her voice.

“Worked, didn’t it?” She carded her hand through the barely-there hair at the back of Brooke’s neck, oblivious to how badly Brooke wanted to kiss that damn smirk off her face. “All you been thinking about, isn’t it? Our kiss?” Brooke tried to step back, though she still felt Vanessa’s hand on her, the other one now coming up to rest on Brooke’s waist. “Shit, I gotta say, though, I think I liked this one better.”

“Yeah?” Brooke cursed herself for the teasing spirit in her voice, but for some reason, she couldn’t help it. Something about Vanessa was electrifying, intoxicating her even after a year. Kicking all her resolve and purpose under the hotel carpet.

“Mhmm,” Vanjie’s eyes lay heavy-lidded, her hunger telling through her gaze. Brooke knew due to her makeup-free face that her bedroom eyes weren’t painted on deliberately. She also knew that she held the same ache in her own body, wondered if her own eyes were as teasing as her voice. “You wanna Instagram live this or somethin’?”

Brooke found herself laughing more at the way Vanessa’s suggestive voice didn’t match her sarcastic question rather than the implication itself. “Oh, fuck off,” she laughed under her breath, swatting Vanjie’s chest as gently as possible, her hand lingering there. They both glanced down at the contact, reminding Brooke of the way their eyes had been jointly fixed on Vanessa’s hand in the room at the club, mindlessly tracing patterns into Brooke’s leg. But there was somehow more tension now, the tension only slightly more comfortable than it had been before. Less fear, but just as much caution and the question of ‘What are we doing?’ not yet obsolete.

It was Brooke who leaned in first this time with little hesitance, hand spreading out more against Vanessa’s chest, twisting delicately in her shirt. Her kisses transferred from lips, to cheek, to jaw, then placing open mouthed kisses along the shorter queen’s neck, evoking a throaty moan above her.

“C’mere,” Brooke wondered if she only imagined the rasped whisper, and she blinked back up at Vanessa, who looked desperate. Brooke noted the way her tattoo was coated red under the flush on her neck and chest, only the top of it visible from under her black T-shirt. She noted the way Vanessa’s breathing was ragged. She looked so fucked, so in disarray, and they hadn’t even taken their shirts off yet.

Brooke’s stomach knotted at just the suggestion that she had that power.

Vanessa pulled her back up, hands coming to hold the sides of Brooke’s face and kissing her with a passion that they hadn’t yet reached before. It was a kiss that guaranteed to Brooke that this wasn’t a convenient fuck, or make out, or just Vanessa feeling lonely.

“I have a flight tonight,” Brooke broke between their kiss and their gasping for breath. “God, I’d give anything to stay here. You know that, right?” She studied Vanjie’s eyes, needed to know that Vanessa understood her intentions. She’d rather do anything than have to look at the pout she looked at now on Vanessa’s face.

“You could stay. What’s one flight?” Vanessa whined, pressing kisses along Brooke’s jaw, her knee pushing between the other’s legs. “I miss you,” she breathed against Brooke’s ear, arms enveloping the taller man.

“You know it’s not that easy. This isn’t stuff we can put off, not like we put off each other. I wish I didn’t have to leave you.”

Vanessa sighed and slumped back against the wall, a hand coming up to run through her hair after the other had lifted her hat off. The broken connection between Vanessa’s flushed face and body, and her disappointed expression, broke Brooke’s heart more than she thought it would.

“That’s cool. I said what I said, and I know now that you’re not so innocent yourself, Miss Brooke Lynn, just like I said so,” Vanessa pointed a finger into Brooke’s chest accusingly, her eyes sparkling with warmth. “Who’s right again? Miss Vanessa Vanjie Isabella Mateo Hytes. Bam!” With a snap of her fingers, Vanessa pulled away from Brooke’s grasp, sliding against the wall she had been held against and back towards the door. Brooke watched her gather her things – her phone, only.

“Where are you going?”

Vanessa turned back around, puzzled. “You said you got a flight tonight. I can’t come with you.”

Brooke mimicked Vanjie’s pout from before, sitting herself down on the side of the bed and extending her arms. “You said you missed me. You made it very clear. My flight’s not until later tonight. You can stay. Until then, I mean. I want you to.”

And who was Vanessa to refuse that invitation.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, any feedback or requests are always welcome <3


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